Her Last Breath

As I watch her silhouette begin to die

The wind sends a chill through my spine

The day has turned cold, no longer could I see the sun

Crystals begin to form on the discarded blood

My mind kept spinning, I have no idea where I'm at

Where's the road, where are my tracks?

I'm stuck here to watch her die

She's fading fast, she has little time

She looks at me with pleading eyes

The moon makes her tear stained cheeks shine

Suddenly, somehow, I began to pity her life

But at least it isn't me who has to die

The snow looks so white with her bright red blood spread all around

The woods are so quiet, not even the trees make a sound

She should have never done what she did

She should have known I'd find the secret she hid

She lifts her hand in a pitiful, pleading way

She begins to lift her face

"Why?" She asks with her very last breath

Her hand falls to her side, now the air is filled with death

Suddenly, the weight is lifted off of me

I no longer have to feel guilty

The snow begins to fall on my face

I welcome it with a warm embrace

Freedom never felt so good

But I always know it would come, I knew it would

Still, her silhouette lingers in my mind

I'm sure it will disappear within time

Letting Down My Guard

Tension in the air, I feel his eyes peering through me
Is this hate or is this lust, I'm growing weary
I don't know what to say, I'm struck with fear
My mind is clouded, nothing is clear

He scoots closer to me, that look still in his eyes
I jump, startled, I want to cry
His hand touches my thigh, he leans in
Unsure of what to do, I gently place my fingers on his chin

Caressing his jawline, I become more self aware
I want to kiss him, do I dare?
Struck with a fearful lust, I let him lean in
He has a mischievous grin

His hand rises higher on my thigh
Chills travel up my spine
The softness of his lips, the scent of his skin
There is so much to be said, I don't know where to begin

My body temperature rises, my groin begins to swell
His kisses become more forceful, my body is wanting to yell
He pushes me on the couch, putting his weight on top of me
There's no wiggling to get free

He begins to kiss my neck, my body aches for pleasure
Droplets of sweat begin to form, together our temperature I could not measure
He takes his shirt off, revealing his strength
I can see the bulge in his pants, I can tell its length

I'm eager for him to just take me
He stops to stare at me, my eagerness he can see
He unbuttons my pants and slides them off towards the floor
Knowing where this is leading, I look at the door

The door is unlocked but I'm so immersed
He caresses my body so well, like he has rehearsed
With his pants now off, I'm perplexed by the size
He pushes his member against my groin, I'm mesmerized

He inserts his finger, making me let out a moan
My horniness is beginning to grow
He knows I'm ready, I'm waiting
There's only passion now, no more hating

He suddenly slides inside me, there's a struggle at first
He's bigger than I expected, I think I might burst
I can feel the heat around us, his heat on my skin
I'm not religious but lust is the best sin

Deeper and deeper he thrusts
My nails dig in his back, he tries to ajust
I won't let him go, he's so deep inside
"Harder!" I cry

With bated breath, he thrusts and thrusts
I'm waiting for him to bust
I can hear the sloshing as he goes in and out
That turns me on, I start to shout

I scream his name, my back is arched
He kisses me, my mouth is parched
With one final deep thrust, I feel warmth inside of me
I'm in ecstasy, I can't see

Sweat dripping from his head down to mine
The sex was so good, it should be a crime
Through his chest I feel his heart
I feel no fear for a start

Inside he lingers still, unwilling to let flow our spoils
From now on, to him I've become loyal
From hate to fear, to lust
With him I can now trust

He touches my face with his hand once more
Then he puts on his pants and walks out the door
Where did he go, what does this mean?
............ Was it all just a dream?

A disturbing dream

Two nights ago, I had the most disturbing dream ever. Of course I know that you will sometimes dream of the last thing you did before you slept, but this just didn't really make sense. Two nights ago, I posted on WCG before I fell asleep, when I awoke, I realized I had a dream about one of the trolls on WCG. I had not talked to him that night, nor did I think about him before I fell asleep, yet I had a very strange dream that concerned him. Like always, he was being very hateful towards me online, nothing new, but suddenly the scene changed and I was in my living room with him. He was laying on my couch and I was standing when he suddenly admitted his love for me, he then pulled me towards him and caressed me and kissed me. If dreams have meanings, I have no idea what this one meant. I awoke sweating and disturbed because I fear him and I know he hates me (no idea why).

 The reason why I fear him is because he has the nerd ability to track down everything I do on the internet, he just flat out scares me how obsessive he is with my life. I know that he is not obsessive because he likes me, he's obsessive because he likes to hurt me, he likes to be a troll. I've seen pictures of him and I can tell you right now, he's not someone I'd leave my husband for, yet I have this new attraction to him. He hates me and I'm not fond of him, why should I be attracted to him? I am so confused by this shit, it's no doubt fucking with my head... I have always tried to be corgel with him, I've never fought with him, I just want to be his friend. For someone that hates me, I shouldn't feel anything but hatred for him, but I can't.

That dream has changed more than anyone would think, I CAN'T sleep and I can't think, not without thinking of him. He's not horrible looking but he's not my typical sexy. So why can't I stop thinking about him in a sexual way? Why can't I stop trying to be his friend? I've know him for 3 years or so from various websites and his attitude towards me has never changed, he acts like he hates me, but I feel attracted to him.... I want to just shoot myself for saying that, this is just stupid and disgustingly wrong... WTF is going on with me? The seduction of the dream, the softness of his hands on my body in the dream, the sweetness of his kiss in my dream. I felt secure, happy, and relieved in my dream... How is that remotely possible with a guy like him? I'm disgusted. How should I deal with this, how can I interpret this?  Help me before I go insane....

I can't see the hope through the fog

I'm becoming tired, so tired of this world. Nothing but a thick fog fills my heart, I'm numb. Occasionally there is a slight ray of hope that shines through the fog, but it's faint. Some days, the fog weakens and I can see the all the hope. Some days, the fog is so thick, I don't even want to try to find the hope. What do you do when you have nothing left to believe in? I have a husband, 3 beautiful little girls, and a nearly everything I could ask for in materials. But what if I just want love, respect, and someone who understands? I don't think I do have anyone who understands, but I do have people that love and respect me... Unfortunately none of them are my husband. My husband treats me like property, he ignores me until he needs me, and constantly refuses to see my needs.

I look at my neighbors and I envy them. They're just so perfect. Tony, a loving husband and father, full of respect for his wife, a true joy to his children. Katie, assertive, loving wife and mother who never shows anger. Why can't I have that life? Why am I stuck with torture? I could leave, but I'm scared, I could never do things on my own. I'm too dependent, I'm too much baggage. No one would want a burden like me or my children, so I'm stuck. I love my husband but I can't take the physical and mental pain anymore, actually... I don't know why I love him still. I just want to run away.

All I seem to think about lately is alcohol and food, two evils in my life. I'm addicted and there's no stopping it. My fuel for wanting to consume those evils IS my husband, makes sense too, he's the master of all evil. I've lied to friends just so he doesn't look like a bad husband, some can see through the lies though. Only one knows the truth about my life, only one I've known long enough to trust. It shouldn't have to be that way. I seek love and respect from other (mostly online) because I can't find it in the real world. I'm so easily hurt by rejection, I need acceptance. Pathetic, I'm pretty pathetic. My children have a wonderful stable life, but that's only because they are blind to what I've hidden, my unstable life. How long can I hide it though? How long can I manage to suffer through it?

Funny how today, the sky is starting to match my mood. It was sunny, so beautiful, just like my mood.... Then the stress came, as did a storm.

Honesty is NOT the best policy.

Some people say "Honesty is the best policy.", I was one of those people. Recent events have changed my perspective on honesty being the best policy. I had my third child on April 29th 2012, her name is Kira. Since then I have been so proud at the fact of how much weight I've lost, to me it's nearly incredible how much my stomach as gone down. May 12, 2012... I'm drinking beer for the first time in 9mon, I felt amazing and sexy, so proud of my body. Being proud didn't last long, it's nonexistent now. My husband invited his buddy from work over and after being here an hour or so, he asked his friend if he thought I was attractive (still not sure on why he asked this), his friend immediately said, "No, she's over weight.".... That said, how do you think I feel right now? I'm still crying and still not understanding why he was so blunt. I can't be mad at his honesty but I now hate it. No one deserves to feel such heart break, trust me... My heart is broken. After feeling so happy and accomplished, one man diminished that in 2 seconds, a man I barely even know. He's not heartless, he's just honest. I'm scared to eat now, I don't want to eat at all now actually. I have been breast feeding Kira (minus tonight since I'm drinking) but I fear now I will have to stop and feed her formula instead. Why? Because I need to stop eating in order to stop being "over weight" and when you're not breast feeding, it's easy to lose weight by not eating.

So odd that I thought I was even remotely cute or sexy, I should have known how hideous I am, how fat and over weight I am. It should have been so obvious to me, I don't know why I didn't see it before. All I know right now, is that I'm never leaving my room again unless I'm skinny. All I want is to be pretty, guess I can't even do that right. No wonder everyone at WCG hates me, it all makes sense now.

Pregnancy Rant

Being pregnant is so difficult, you need so much, I hate being needy. Your emotions are everywhere, up and down, you're always tired and you're always hungry. It's sometimes not so hard when you have a partner that supports you in any and every way possible, that is something I unfortunately don't have. I understand that he works all day and most every day, but how hard is it to please your wife?

This blog is about my anger towards my husband, I'm being civil towards him right now but that's just because whining and arguing isn't going to get me what I want. All I wanted today was some fast food, I've been craving a cheeseburger with Big Mac sauce on it and was denied even just one, ONE! I know you cannot compare TV life to real life but I would really like to be treated like the women in all those romance movies, their man always comforting them, giving them everything they want and more. Seeing how this is reality, I'll never get any of that, which is sad. Even some of my married friends have a better relationship with their spouse than I do, which is so weird... I don't understand this at all.

I give everything to my husband and I just wish him to do the same. All this anger over a cheeseburger, sounds so childish, but when you are pregnant... That's how things are sometimes. Strange cravings at strange hours, that's my problem and I can't help it. I know he sometimes gets angry at me for wanting fast food, I wish I could do something about it, I love him and want to make him happy but I really just can't help what I crave. I'm not sure if anyone who reads this, knows the show "Freaky Eaters" well, that's me... I'm one hell of a freaky eater and it mostly consists of fast food. I restrict myself for my husbands sake but for how long can I keep that up? Sometimes you have to give in, sometimes you have to supply the fiend.

My husband is a smoker, all he does is smoke, smoke, smoke. I understand it's addicting and a hard habit to break, but then why can't he understand this is a comparable situation? He wastes money on smokes constantly, he smokes at the max, two packs a day. I only order or ask for fast food once or twice every two weeks, for our bank accounts sake. I know where my limit is and I know how to stop myself, he cannot. His excuse is always that we cannot afford it, should I then start telling him that about his smoking? I've been so understanding about it that I've never said things like that to him, maybe it's time though. If there is ever something for us to argue about and possible make this marriage rough, it's about food and cigs. There isn't a thing else wrong in this marriage, not a single thing, it's always just the food or the cigarettes.

My children eat healthy, they are not fed the fast food I want or get, some may deem that unfair, I don't. Some might also say that I should lead by example, no... I will do what I want. If I want fast food on occasion, I should be able to have it, regardless what I eat, it's not going to effect the baby the way it effects my body. All this over one cheese burger, this is pathetic.... Sigh. Oh well. I never get what I truly desire.

Appreciated? No.

It seems like nothing I do ever gets appreciated or acknowledged, and even if it does, I just get yelled at instead of being thanked. One remark that really bothered me that was said by my husband is "I don't see how hard it is to hold open a bag." He said that as I was trying to hold open a Wal-Mart that was being blown vigorously by the wind. He acted like it was my fault that the bag couldn't be opened, it was the wind. Why is everything always my fault? He never takes credit for all the bad things, he just blames it on me instead. I guess it's easier to blame someone than to accept the blame.

I'm always so nice to him, I do EVERYTHING he tells me to do, even if I don't like it. So, why is that when I am so nice and obey, he still talks to me rudely and yells at me for no reason? I can't possibly be doing anything wrong when obeying. It's possible it's a power trip thing that he has. I just want him to be a little bit nicer and understanding. Hearing a "thank you" and "please" would be a nice change of scenery.

All that my husband seems to do is work, comes home, plays video games, and sleeps... He doesn't even talk or play with his kids. I want that fairy tale marriage that they show on TV shows, but I know that's impossible. I don't know who I am to him, he barely talks to me except to yell at me for SOMETHING. Maybe I'm just the babysitter, maid, and cook. We barely even have sex anymore, it's either him wanting a hand job or blow job but no sex, is there something wrong with me? I always have to beg him to be intimate with me and by the time the begging is done, I'm not interested in the sex anymore. Some like the chase, but not I... I just want to be in love and happily.

I'm constantly asking permission to do things other wives get to do without asking permission, I hate that. He has my debit card so I always have to ask him for money, I'd like to just take my card and say "Hey, I'm going to the store to buy stuff, I'll be back soon" but that would never go down well. When a couple creates a joint account, it's for joint use, is it not? He could just call the bank and ask for a new card since his is broken. That set aside, he always spends so much money on things that are not needed and then when I try to do the same, he yells at me saying that I'm just like my mom and know nothing of saving money. When he says things like that, I always make this face:

Anyways, I think I've done enough complaining, I still feel upset about it all but there is nothing I can do to make it better. Not even marriage counseling would help, that'd actually make things worse. I just want to be his equal, his love, and someone he trusts. I want him to at least ACT like he loves me and his kids. I want him to tell me just one time even, "Good job, honey"... How hard is it to say that? I want him to spend $195 on a family outing instead of stupid window tint (which is where he is at right now).... When will it be my turn?

I might as well have....

Let me start this blog off with some quotes taken from wecravegames.com:

" LV is a habitual liar, so I never take anything she posts on here seriously"

 "I'd like to know how I'm a habitual liar. I've never had to lie on here."

"Your kid uploaded naughty pics of you. Still not buying it"

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but like I've stated before, I would never do that to myself. I can go over it all again and again but if you wont believe me, there's no point. All I can say is, that was the worst day I have ever had in a long time, nothing has yet to beat it. So much was going on at the time and then bam, someone magically posts it here after I had already deleted it off FB. Anyway, you have the right to believe what you wish. I just know a situation like that, I could never lie about. I wish everyone to know the truth about me because I hate when people assume. My friends think I'm ignorant for sharing my life here, but I don't see the harm, other than most of you hate me for who I am.

I'm not going to lie just so ya'll will like me. Fish, have you ever had something explainable but unbelievable happen to you? It hurts when no one believes you, at least it hurts me. But what can I do about it? Pull a JJ, yeah, well that's not me."




That said, you should be able to assume what kind of mood I'm in right now. I just wish people would believe me when I tell the truth, I NEVER lie on wecravegames, there's no need to lie AT ALL! Broanna (long story) ruined the trust there I guess. I want people to know I'm funny, cool, nice, etc. But they are not letting me, because they already have a theory on how and who I am, a filthy, ignorant, redneck who is a bad mother. They got all these assumptions from photos that look just slightly bad and opinions from other people, the herd mentality is strong in this group.

Today was supposed to be a good day, my mom is here. Today can still be a good day but I just wish he'd/them understand that I'm not a liar. I know you can't make everyone like/love you, but it'd be nice if they at least treated you with respect and understanding. They are quick to jump to conclusions, it's easier for them to see things that are not there and extort them than it is for them to see the truth and trust that person. Bullies, they just want to have fun and hate, but at what cost? Now, to conclude this blog, an excerpt from my FB:

"When you lie, everyone believes you but when you tell the truth, they think you're a liar. I swear, I just can't win for losing. My mom may be here, but I'm upset on the inside towards other people. I just want to be perfect and everyone's friend, but why kid myself? No one other than my family loves/likes/enjoys me."

Hunger Pains

My husband always chooses to do stuff that doesn't involve his family, is because he hates us, is unhappy? I don't know, all I know is that he cares more about his car than me and his kids. Here's what happened today:

Husband arrives home from work at 4:00pm on the dot, he's in a really good mood, compared to most days. He's excited because he's going to get stuff done for my car finally, it's in need of an oil change, I think he's mostly excited because he gets a discount and he knows the guys pretty well. That was fine with me that he was doing that for my car. After he gets that done, I think he said he was going to get a new bedset for our bed, one that matches the bed frame, etc.... I'm glad he's doing that too, but all that will take a bit of time and me and the kids have eaten all the remaining food today, we're hungry right now. I asked him to please, before going to do all that stuff, grab us some cheese burgers from McDonalds, he snickered and said quite rudely, "No.", that was then the end of the discussion on food.

I let the discussion go, hoping he'd change his mind before he left (he normally does when he's in a good mood), I waited and waited, nothing really changed at all. His mood then changed when he started to change from work clothes to civilian clothes, he was frustrated because for some reason the dryer is making our clothes stink and we have no idea why. He blamed me, like he always does, for a faulty dryer. I'm not sure how I made the dryer smell, but I guess it's my responsibility. So after him yelling at me over clothes, he then said he is leaving now. I'm already in a pissed off mood because we are starving, and he just made it worse by talking rudely to me, or rather, sounding rude to me. I briskly walk past him and say, "See ya later then." and storm off into my room.

I don't know if I'm being dramatic or what, I'm pregnant and to me, all this seems rational. I just want him to consider me and his children before objects. He has already blown through most our tax return money because his car (95 Honda) needed A LOT of work done. Most people I talk to, they discuss projects with each other and discuss if it's really necessary. My husband never asks me anything, he just does what he wants. Not like if he asked me and I said no, he'd listen.... He never listens. Know what I wanted to do with some of the money? I wanted to shop for clothes for myself and my new child inside my belly, I wanted to buy new converse, I wanted to spend $200 on groceries, I wanted new mattresses for our children, and God forbid, I wanted to redecorate my house. All he wanted to do was dress up his car, I'd understand if he HAD to repair certain things, but all he repaired was a few holes in his floorboard and then started buying fancy shit for his car. I.e, sound system, fancy taillights, new tires, new rims, new coil overs. Those are things a car doesn't really need. New tires maybe, but his old ones were fine.

I just want to feel like he cares about us instead of himself. I want him to buy us food when we need it when he knows he's going to be gone for a long time. I just want the typical family they show on tv, but LOL, that will never happen.

I'm fucking hungry!