I wonder...

When you call me stupid, how do you feel?
Do you think it doesn't matter because it seems unreal?
You're just an avatar insulting someone on the internet
But somewhere deep inside, you hold bitter regret

When you call me ugly, how do you feel?
Believe it or not, this is real
I may be just an avatar in another country that you can't see
But my feelings are quite fragile indeed

Sometimes I just laugh and pretend not to care
But I'm always hurt, frustrated, and scared
I smart to my own belief
But knowing that isn't enough relief

I am beautiful inside and out
When you say I'm ugly, I just want to shout
You're beautiful to me even though you're a troll
I know deep down inside, you have a soul

I've never insulted you or offended you
Why are you doing this to me, what did I do?
I'm a woman I guess, maybe that's it
I wish you'd stop, I'm starting to lose my grip

I want to be pretty and I want to be smart
But you're making that quite hard
Faith in myself is beginning to fade
Your words are beginning to make me change

I wonder, have you ever been bullied, have you felt the same?
That would explain why you are playing this game
You're a keyboard warrior and all you know is to attack
Can't we just get along? Because this shit is just wack

How far will you go until you stop?
When will you see that my self esteem is beginning to rot?
Sometimes I begin to believe all you've said
Sometimes that makes me wish I were dead

I wonder if you even care
Should I ask you, would I even dare?
I just want to have friends and fun
STOP making me feel like I'm constantly on the run.

How I feel now

To my new best friend....

There was a time I had a best friend, one that made me laugh, laughed at my jokes, cheered me up when I was down, and always supported me and told me he was there when I needed him. That time has come and gone, I no longer have that friend, he changed beyond the man I sought comfort from. But... A WILD TATE APPEARS AND USES CHARM. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!


All nerdiness set aside, he makes me happy and there is never ending giggle fests with him.  Never thought I'd be able to find a new best friend, I was dead wrong. Thank you Tate for always being there (when you are online) when I need you. You are the best!

I hate my life

Why do people keep telling me that the good guys always come out on top? That is so fucking stupid, cause it's not true. No matter how nice I am to the meanest person, they will continue to be mean and not even give me a chance to be there friend. Why do people have to be so hateful all the time? Ugh! I'm beginning to lose hope in the human race, the 1920's seemed like such an easier time. I just wished everyone liked me or at least told me white lies. I like to see the positive things instead of negative, I see the cup half full. Why can't everyone be just like me? I'm always  happy and always look forward to things.



If only I could go back in time, I could change so much and I would be happier today.

Repressed

She sits back, relaxing on her comfy pillows placed neatly against her wall
She picks up a pencil and some paper, she begins to draw
Slow gentle streaks cross the white, smooth paper she holds in her hands
But suddenly, her hand stops and her mind jams

A memory infiltrates it's way into her reluctant mind
Seeking to plant an evil of some kind
Bits and pieces form, creating a scene
Why is this happening, what does this mean?

Her room begins to spin and morph into another setting
It morphed into a room she has tried forgetting
Voices and bodies begin to appear
This is what she had feared

Three voices ring in her head
Oh how she wished she were dead
A hand covers her mouth as she screams
If only this could just be a dream

It's dark, but she feels someone ontop of her
Her vision is impaired, his face is a blur
He rips her pants off to do his deed
He was strong, she had to concede




One routing him on, one concealing her screams
She wasn't getting out of this it seemed
Tears and labored breathing was all that could be seen or heard
One whispers in her ear, saying only three words

"Just take it." Is all he said
And with that, the visions were dead
Sweating and crying, she rocked back and forth
A repressed memory, of course

A night she had long forgotten had come back
Stopping her life in it's track
She will never be the same
She was used just for their gain

She took her knife and carved her skin
She was determined to make this end
No more remembering, no more tears
No more sadness and no more fear.

I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

    Below is my response to "Grown Men" on a gaming site that are picking on me cause of this post.... " Just got back from Olive Garden, we had so much fun =) Nadia (my 3yr old) out of no where stands up on her chair and says...."LADY GAGA!!!!" The began singing Alejandro, then a few moments after she finished her spaghetti, she screams, "The flying spaghetti monster!" with her face all sauced up and her hands out like a monster.....Gotta love that girl." They began to make fun of me and my parenting. They think my parenting is poor.

  "Never smoke around my children, never fed my kids rocks. The things you say, you twist them so you can feel good about yourself as long as you hurt someone else. As for the bag thing, I don't see a problem, lol seriously.... It was her doing, it was an open bag that could not be zipped up, she was watched to make sure she didn't "DIE".... So, really, your logic fails. You try to bring ppl down over petty, poor observation. Sometimes you succeed, sometimes you get shit thrown in your face. Either way, I laugh at this stuff now cause it is just stupid that you try and try and try too hard to be "cool" just cause you can find faults in ppl, faults that are tiny, tiny, little nothingness. LOL. Really, where do you think you are getting in life making someone feel like they are a bad parent, when really, they are the best parent than more ppl in the world. I cause no harm to my children, I feed them, bathe them, play with them, and keep them alive while their father is out fighting in Afghanistan. Pretty much as a single mom, I say fuck you and fuck your logic lol. I'm not even mad, just stating that really guys... How old are yall and is it really that fun to poke at someone that is trying her damndest to do the best for her children? You don't even know what I have sacrificed to give my kids the good life, no I do not live in a mansion, but I have my own house, nice car, huge back yard, regular income, wtf more do you want me to give my kids? I'm fucking trying. Kids get into stuff, kids scream, kids cry, and kids make a mess. Half the ppl that say shit, have no kids. Hub has kids and he agrees on the shit you say, that I do not get. But it's whatever, I just wanted to see what reply I get from this, cause I am just dying to know, to know wth is your fucking point??? As a 20yr old (practically) single mom, with two kids, I am doing A FUCKING FINE ASS JOB IF I MIGHT SAY SO. This is the internet, got that.. But seriously, shouldn't you pick on someone that actually doesn't pull out their hair trying to find ways to make life better for their kids? Go pick on Octomom. Stop trying to make your pathetic life worth something by picking on me.


The End. Reply now, I would love to read your responses."


    Why can't they just leave me alone? I try to make innocent posts, funny posts, and they go out of their way to hurt me and make me really want to die. Sometimes, late at night after I sign out of that site, I lay on my bed, look up at the ceiling and just cry, believing that I truly am, an awful parent. Why must they do this? I just want to be part of their group, I just want them to like me, I just want to fit in. I hate being a woman, I rather be a man. Maybe then they would have liked me from the beginning. I can't quit that site, it's too addicting, they are my only source of real friends, but they are not my friends, they hate me... That just goes to show how pathetic my life really is. I just want to die now. No one will ever accept me for who I am.



-Kimberly (emotionally numb)

Running out of Title name ideas....

    So, I am sitting on my bed, obviously on my computer. I just ate a cheeseburger with extra pickles and some Mac sauce on it. Twas excellent, shhh though, don't tell the guys at WCG. They criticize ppl on even what they eat, sad trolls are sad. I was awakened today by my sister, thankfully she reminded me that I had a bill to pay. It is 1317 and I'm just chillen, perfect afternoon so far. My plans today conclude, writing this blog, play with my children, watch some boring TV, and then when the appropreiate time arrives, I shall play Black Ops. I have missed that game so very much. The last few days I have been switching between Reach and Sims3. Okay, got sidetracked there for a minute by FaceBook. GOD DAMN YOU FACEBOOK!!! *shakes fist in air*.... Well I am really not in the mood to write right now. I am in the gaming mood. I think it is about that time boys and girls. Over and Out.


-Kimberly

Numb

    Just got off the phone with my husband. My depression just worsened, here is how it started. I get a letter in the mail, it's from the Electric company, I open it and see that it is a termination letter. I forgot to pay the other half of the bill on the 15th, I panic and start to hate myself. Just then, my husband calls me (just in time I think), I tell him the situation and he then gets off the phone to transfer money to my account. He sounded really irritated before he hung up. I felt really bad because that is his money that he is having to transfer to me cause I am an idiot. When he called back to tell me the deed was done, I told him he was my best friend, hoping to get back on his good side. There was a second of silence then he says, "Yeah well, sometimes I wonder." That really hurt me, my own husband questions how I feel about him. I love him so much, I don't know what I would do without him. He is my heart and soul. Well, kids just walked in my room, I have to end this blog short for now.


-Kimberly

Depression gets the best of me.

      0228.... I can't sleep! I turned off my xbox and decided to lay in bed and get on the computer, yet sleep is not an option right now. I am tired, I want to sleep, but its not going to happen. I know only 2 ppl read my blogs, but I mainly write them to get things off my chest. I used to keep diaries when I was younger, not so much now. I don't seem to have time to write with pen and paper but have all the time in the world to blog, wtf? I feel kinda sad, there is just this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that is telling me that I am strange, pathetic, a wasted life form stealing air..... But why? Why do I feel these things about myself? Sigh, I do not know, should I start seeing a therapist again? Things just hit me harder lately, I wanna cry more. I haven't cried in a few days but the tears are there, ready to pour out at any moment. My eyebrows seem to be permanently furrowed for no apparent reason, I just always look sad or lost in though. Everyone looks at me and they see a 20yr old female with issues, no self esteem, and just plain fucked up. I like attention, I don't really whore it up though, I mean every now and and again I will start an argument just to get myself noticed, make them think, " Oh hey that girl is still here, hmmm, lets talk about what she just brought up." but when I do that, they just say all I want is a bad rep or bad attention. I just want to be noticed, I just want someone to actually think I am an "okay" person. I used to cut myself alot, I had no one to turn to, no one to have by my side.... My husband has been deployed since May 14th 2010, he obviously cannot comfort me. My life is still pretty shitty but I have other things to turn to instead of hurting myself, I have my best friend Bait/Brian. He means the world to me, I have other bestfriends but well.... He is the 1st major one. Soon we will have known eachother for 2yrs in March. As I type this, tears block my view kinda. Why is it that everyone in my life seems to not feel the same way towards me? I love, and no one but my kids give back, I share, and no one but my kids share with me, I cry, and no one comforts me but my kids..... Brian lives 2,000miles away from me so granted, he cannot do those things. But what is everyone else's excuse? As long as I can remember, I just wanted to be the popular one, the one everyone ran to for answers, comfort, laughter, and love. I am the loner, weird one, the sad one.... Guess they don't wanna help me fix that. 

    Kentucky, the state I live in with only my children. I know no one here except some Army wives whose husbands work with mine. But, they don't like me either, not a single one of those bitches talk to me, isntead.... They gossip about me. I keep to myself, I am quiet. I don't bother anyone in real life, does that cause for gossip and harsh looks? I'm scared, is that childish to say? I am so scared beyond belief, I just want someone to hold me in bed at night, telling me it will be okay as they rub their hand through my long black hair, I just want someone to kiss me softly on the cheek and then look me in my soft blue green eyes and say, " I love you with all my heart, you're my world." Okay, I'm crying now. The last time I was happy with my life, I was 15yrs old. Repressed memories are awful, when I am sad they seem to find their way into my thoughts. I don't think I am okay, I think I am broken.... I'm a broken person and cannot be fixed. No one wants me, they all just want to get rid of me. This....... This is why I game and read books alot, to keep my mind away from reality, because I try to hide from my life ppl see that as wrong, that is why they do not like me... I am 20yrs old and should not be locked up in my house reading or playing kiddie games. But I want to, I want to fade into the background I guess, since no one else can help me. I want to fade and just substitute my reality with fantasy. 0305, I should stop typing this now. And so I end this blog with a quote I like. “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none; be able for thine enemy rather in power than use; and keep thy friend under thine own life's key; be checked for silence, but never taxed for speech”.

-Kimberly

End of my day, beginning of tomorrow.

Here I am, sitting alone in my room after playing on my xbox360 for 12hrs straight. I am a little tired, not much though. Every morning I wake up feeling real shitty about my life, I live such a dull and pathetic life. I have a husband and 2 kids, how can my life be dull and pathetic you say? Well, one, my husband is deployed in Afghanistan, two, my kids are too young to really converse with and stuff.... So pretty much I am stuck talking to myself when I am around my kids or I play video games the remainder of the night when they are in bed. I am only 20yrs old and with two kids, apparently that is looked down upon. I disagree with anyone that thinks that, because out of all the statistics, I beat them. I married my highschool sweetheart (father of my children), and have wonderful income, how is that bad at my age? Oh well, it really doesn't matter. 

I try to be everyone's friend, I try to be the "cool" one, I try to fit in..... Thing is, I "try" too much :( No one really seems to like me, not clear on the reasons really. Maybe the fact that I am a young mother, married at 20, girl gamer, and bisexual, pretty much says to everyone, "Hey, this chick is not a good person, lets make fun of her and her pathetic life and hope that she cuts too deep one day and dies." Yeah, sounds about like that. I bring this up because I experience that alot from a bunch of grown guys, on a gaming site called wecravegames.com, it's a fairly well designed site and all, some great ppl too but they can be so harsh. First day I joined, I did make a fool of myself, I gave them that so it's okay. But after that, they were relentless, they trolled my photos and made memes out of them. They called me names, disrespected my kids and husband. No one likes me there but maybe 2-3 ppl out of like 100. I can't be that bad of a person, there is no way. I know this is the Internet and what not, but sometimes ppl resort to the Internet when they socially cannot make it in the real world. I pretty much have no where to turn it seems. Either way I go, everyone hates me for petty reasons, I hardly say anything about being picked on cause then if I do, they will pick on me more. Being "Alpha" is most likely the way to go, the weakest link is not a good position. They are wolves, I swear it, and I am the lamb. They are mighty hungry around me. Sigh.

Well, it's 0131, I should be getting to sleep. I have my taxes to file in the morning sometime. For my first Blog entry, tis okay... I shall write more when I have more to write. Goodnight.