Running out of Title name ideas....

    So, I am sitting on my bed, obviously on my computer. I just ate a cheeseburger with extra pickles and some Mac sauce on it. Twas excellent, shhh though, don't tell the guys at WCG. They criticize ppl on even what they eat, sad trolls are sad. I was awakened today by my sister, thankfully she reminded me that I had a bill to pay. It is 1317 and I'm just chillen, perfect afternoon so far. My plans today conclude, writing this blog, play with my children, watch some boring TV, and then when the appropreiate time arrives, I shall play Black Ops. I have missed that game so very much. The last few days I have been switching between Reach and Sims3. Okay, got sidetracked there for a minute by FaceBook. GOD DAMN YOU FACEBOOK!!! *shakes fist in air*.... Well I am really not in the mood to write right now. I am in the gaming mood. I think it is about that time boys and girls. Over and Out.


-Kimberly

Numb

    Just got off the phone with my husband. My depression just worsened, here is how it started. I get a letter in the mail, it's from the Electric company, I open it and see that it is a termination letter. I forgot to pay the other half of the bill on the 15th, I panic and start to hate myself. Just then, my husband calls me (just in time I think), I tell him the situation and he then gets off the phone to transfer money to my account. He sounded really irritated before he hung up. I felt really bad because that is his money that he is having to transfer to me cause I am an idiot. When he called back to tell me the deed was done, I told him he was my best friend, hoping to get back on his good side. There was a second of silence then he says, "Yeah well, sometimes I wonder." That really hurt me, my own husband questions how I feel about him. I love him so much, I don't know what I would do without him. He is my heart and soul. Well, kids just walked in my room, I have to end this blog short for now.


-Kimberly

Depression gets the best of me.

      0228.... I can't sleep! I turned off my xbox and decided to lay in bed and get on the computer, yet sleep is not an option right now. I am tired, I want to sleep, but its not going to happen. I know only 2 ppl read my blogs, but I mainly write them to get things off my chest. I used to keep diaries when I was younger, not so much now. I don't seem to have time to write with pen and paper but have all the time in the world to blog, wtf? I feel kinda sad, there is just this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that is telling me that I am strange, pathetic, a wasted life form stealing air..... But why? Why do I feel these things about myself? Sigh, I do not know, should I start seeing a therapist again? Things just hit me harder lately, I wanna cry more. I haven't cried in a few days but the tears are there, ready to pour out at any moment. My eyebrows seem to be permanently furrowed for no apparent reason, I just always look sad or lost in though. Everyone looks at me and they see a 20yr old female with issues, no self esteem, and just plain fucked up. I like attention, I don't really whore it up though, I mean every now and and again I will start an argument just to get myself noticed, make them think, " Oh hey that girl is still here, hmmm, lets talk about what she just brought up." but when I do that, they just say all I want is a bad rep or bad attention. I just want to be noticed, I just want someone to actually think I am an "okay" person. I used to cut myself alot, I had no one to turn to, no one to have by my side.... My husband has been deployed since May 14th 2010, he obviously cannot comfort me. My life is still pretty shitty but I have other things to turn to instead of hurting myself, I have my best friend Bait/Brian. He means the world to me, I have other bestfriends but well.... He is the 1st major one. Soon we will have known eachother for 2yrs in March. As I type this, tears block my view kinda. Why is it that everyone in my life seems to not feel the same way towards me? I love, and no one but my kids give back, I share, and no one but my kids share with me, I cry, and no one comforts me but my kids..... Brian lives 2,000miles away from me so granted, he cannot do those things. But what is everyone else's excuse? As long as I can remember, I just wanted to be the popular one, the one everyone ran to for answers, comfort, laughter, and love. I am the loner, weird one, the sad one.... Guess they don't wanna help me fix that. 

    Kentucky, the state I live in with only my children. I know no one here except some Army wives whose husbands work with mine. But, they don't like me either, not a single one of those bitches talk to me, isntead.... They gossip about me. I keep to myself, I am quiet. I don't bother anyone in real life, does that cause for gossip and harsh looks? I'm scared, is that childish to say? I am so scared beyond belief, I just want someone to hold me in bed at night, telling me it will be okay as they rub their hand through my long black hair, I just want someone to kiss me softly on the cheek and then look me in my soft blue green eyes and say, " I love you with all my heart, you're my world." Okay, I'm crying now. The last time I was happy with my life, I was 15yrs old. Repressed memories are awful, when I am sad they seem to find their way into my thoughts. I don't think I am okay, I think I am broken.... I'm a broken person and cannot be fixed. No one wants me, they all just want to get rid of me. This....... This is why I game and read books alot, to keep my mind away from reality, because I try to hide from my life ppl see that as wrong, that is why they do not like me... I am 20yrs old and should not be locked up in my house reading or playing kiddie games. But I want to, I want to fade into the background I guess, since no one else can help me. I want to fade and just substitute my reality with fantasy. 0305, I should stop typing this now. And so I end this blog with a quote I like. “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none; be able for thine enemy rather in power than use; and keep thy friend under thine own life's key; be checked for silence, but never taxed for speech”.

-Kimberly

End of my day, beginning of tomorrow.

Here I am, sitting alone in my room after playing on my xbox360 for 12hrs straight. I am a little tired, not much though. Every morning I wake up feeling real shitty about my life, I live such a dull and pathetic life. I have a husband and 2 kids, how can my life be dull and pathetic you say? Well, one, my husband is deployed in Afghanistan, two, my kids are too young to really converse with and stuff.... So pretty much I am stuck talking to myself when I am around my kids or I play video games the remainder of the night when they are in bed. I am only 20yrs old and with two kids, apparently that is looked down upon. I disagree with anyone that thinks that, because out of all the statistics, I beat them. I married my highschool sweetheart (father of my children), and have wonderful income, how is that bad at my age? Oh well, it really doesn't matter. 

I try to be everyone's friend, I try to be the "cool" one, I try to fit in..... Thing is, I "try" too much :( No one really seems to like me, not clear on the reasons really. Maybe the fact that I am a young mother, married at 20, girl gamer, and bisexual, pretty much says to everyone, "Hey, this chick is not a good person, lets make fun of her and her pathetic life and hope that she cuts too deep one day and dies." Yeah, sounds about like that. I bring this up because I experience that alot from a bunch of grown guys, on a gaming site called wecravegames.com, it's a fairly well designed site and all, some great ppl too but they can be so harsh. First day I joined, I did make a fool of myself, I gave them that so it's okay. But after that, they were relentless, they trolled my photos and made memes out of them. They called me names, disrespected my kids and husband. No one likes me there but maybe 2-3 ppl out of like 100. I can't be that bad of a person, there is no way. I know this is the Internet and what not, but sometimes ppl resort to the Internet when they socially cannot make it in the real world. I pretty much have no where to turn it seems. Either way I go, everyone hates me for petty reasons, I hardly say anything about being picked on cause then if I do, they will pick on me more. Being "Alpha" is most likely the way to go, the weakest link is not a good position. They are wolves, I swear it, and I am the lamb. They are mighty hungry around me. Sigh.

Well, it's 0131, I should be getting to sleep. I have my taxes to file in the morning sometime. For my first Blog entry, tis okay... I shall write more when I have more to write. Goodnight.