A disturbing dream

Two nights ago, I had the most disturbing dream ever. Of course I know that you will sometimes dream of the last thing you did before you slept, but this just didn't really make sense. Two nights ago, I posted on WCG before I fell asleep, when I awoke, I realized I had a dream about one of the trolls on WCG. I had not talked to him that night, nor did I think about him before I fell asleep, yet I had a very strange dream that concerned him. Like always, he was being very hateful towards me online, nothing new, but suddenly the scene changed and I was in my living room with him. He was laying on my couch and I was standing when he suddenly admitted his love for me, he then pulled me towards him and caressed me and kissed me. If dreams have meanings, I have no idea what this one meant. I awoke sweating and disturbed because I fear him and I know he hates me (no idea why).

 The reason why I fear him is because he has the nerd ability to track down everything I do on the internet, he just flat out scares me how obsessive he is with my life. I know that he is not obsessive because he likes me, he's obsessive because he likes to hurt me, he likes to be a troll. I've seen pictures of him and I can tell you right now, he's not someone I'd leave my husband for, yet I have this new attraction to him. He hates me and I'm not fond of him, why should I be attracted to him? I am so confused by this shit, it's no doubt fucking with my head... I have always tried to be corgel with him, I've never fought with him, I just want to be his friend. For someone that hates me, I shouldn't feel anything but hatred for him, but I can't.

That dream has changed more than anyone would think, I CAN'T sleep and I can't think, not without thinking of him. He's not horrible looking but he's not my typical sexy. So why can't I stop thinking about him in a sexual way? Why can't I stop trying to be his friend? I've know him for 3 years or so from various websites and his attitude towards me has never changed, he acts like he hates me, but I feel attracted to him.... I want to just shoot myself for saying that, this is just stupid and disgustingly wrong... WTF is going on with me? The seduction of the dream, the softness of his hands on my body in the dream, the sweetness of his kiss in my dream. I felt secure, happy, and relieved in my dream... How is that remotely possible with a guy like him? I'm disgusted. How should I deal with this, how can I interpret this?  Help me before I go insane....

I can't see the hope through the fog

I'm becoming tired, so tired of this world. Nothing but a thick fog fills my heart, I'm numb. Occasionally there is a slight ray of hope that shines through the fog, but it's faint. Some days, the fog weakens and I can see the all the hope. Some days, the fog is so thick, I don't even want to try to find the hope. What do you do when you have nothing left to believe in? I have a husband, 3 beautiful little girls, and a nearly everything I could ask for in materials. But what if I just want love, respect, and someone who understands? I don't think I do have anyone who understands, but I do have people that love and respect me... Unfortunately none of them are my husband. My husband treats me like property, he ignores me until he needs me, and constantly refuses to see my needs.

I look at my neighbors and I envy them. They're just so perfect. Tony, a loving husband and father, full of respect for his wife, a true joy to his children. Katie, assertive, loving wife and mother who never shows anger. Why can't I have that life? Why am I stuck with torture? I could leave, but I'm scared, I could never do things on my own. I'm too dependent, I'm too much baggage. No one would want a burden like me or my children, so I'm stuck. I love my husband but I can't take the physical and mental pain anymore, actually... I don't know why I love him still. I just want to run away.

All I seem to think about lately is alcohol and food, two evils in my life. I'm addicted and there's no stopping it. My fuel for wanting to consume those evils IS my husband, makes sense too, he's the master of all evil. I've lied to friends just so he doesn't look like a bad husband, some can see through the lies though. Only one knows the truth about my life, only one I've known long enough to trust. It shouldn't have to be that way. I seek love and respect from other (mostly online) because I can't find it in the real world. I'm so easily hurt by rejection, I need acceptance. Pathetic, I'm pretty pathetic. My children have a wonderful stable life, but that's only because they are blind to what I've hidden, my unstable life. How long can I hide it though? How long can I manage to suffer through it?

Funny how today, the sky is starting to match my mood. It was sunny, so beautiful, just like my mood.... Then the stress came, as did a storm.