Depression gets the best of me.

      0228.... I can't sleep! I turned off my xbox and decided to lay in bed and get on the computer, yet sleep is not an option right now. I am tired, I want to sleep, but its not going to happen. I know only 2 ppl read my blogs, but I mainly write them to get things off my chest. I used to keep diaries when I was younger, not so much now. I don't seem to have time to write with pen and paper but have all the time in the world to blog, wtf? I feel kinda sad, there is just this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that is telling me that I am strange, pathetic, a wasted life form stealing air..... But why? Why do I feel these things about myself? Sigh, I do not know, should I start seeing a therapist again? Things just hit me harder lately, I wanna cry more. I haven't cried in a few days but the tears are there, ready to pour out at any moment. My eyebrows seem to be permanently furrowed for no apparent reason, I just always look sad or lost in though. Everyone looks at me and they see a 20yr old female with issues, no self esteem, and just plain fucked up. I like attention, I don't really whore it up though, I mean every now and and again I will start an argument just to get myself noticed, make them think, " Oh hey that girl is still here, hmmm, lets talk about what she just brought up." but when I do that, they just say all I want is a bad rep or bad attention. I just want to be noticed, I just want someone to actually think I am an "okay" person. I used to cut myself alot, I had no one to turn to, no one to have by my side.... My husband has been deployed since May 14th 2010, he obviously cannot comfort me. My life is still pretty shitty but I have other things to turn to instead of hurting myself, I have my best friend Bait/Brian. He means the world to me, I have other bestfriends but well.... He is the 1st major one. Soon we will have known eachother for 2yrs in March. As I type this, tears block my view kinda. Why is it that everyone in my life seems to not feel the same way towards me? I love, and no one but my kids give back, I share, and no one but my kids share with me, I cry, and no one comforts me but my kids..... Brian lives 2,000miles away from me so granted, he cannot do those things. But what is everyone else's excuse? As long as I can remember, I just wanted to be the popular one, the one everyone ran to for answers, comfort, laughter, and love. I am the loner, weird one, the sad one.... Guess they don't wanna help me fix that. 

    Kentucky, the state I live in with only my children. I know no one here except some Army wives whose husbands work with mine. But, they don't like me either, not a single one of those bitches talk to me, isntead.... They gossip about me. I keep to myself, I am quiet. I don't bother anyone in real life, does that cause for gossip and harsh looks? I'm scared, is that childish to say? I am so scared beyond belief, I just want someone to hold me in bed at night, telling me it will be okay as they rub their hand through my long black hair, I just want someone to kiss me softly on the cheek and then look me in my soft blue green eyes and say, " I love you with all my heart, you're my world." Okay, I'm crying now. The last time I was happy with my life, I was 15yrs old. Repressed memories are awful, when I am sad they seem to find their way into my thoughts. I don't think I am okay, I think I am broken.... I'm a broken person and cannot be fixed. No one wants me, they all just want to get rid of me. This....... This is why I game and read books alot, to keep my mind away from reality, because I try to hide from my life ppl see that as wrong, that is why they do not like me... I am 20yrs old and should not be locked up in my house reading or playing kiddie games. But I want to, I want to fade into the background I guess, since no one else can help me. I want to fade and just substitute my reality with fantasy. 0305, I should stop typing this now. And so I end this blog with a quote I like. “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none; be able for thine enemy rather in power than use; and keep thy friend under thine own life's key; be checked for silence, but never taxed for speech”.

-Kimberly