I can't see the hope through the fog

I'm becoming tired, so tired of this world. Nothing but a thick fog fills my heart, I'm numb. Occasionally there is a slight ray of hope that shines through the fog, but it's faint. Some days, the fog weakens and I can see the all the hope. Some days, the fog is so thick, I don't even want to try to find the hope. What do you do when you have nothing left to believe in? I have a husband, 3 beautiful little girls, and a nearly everything I could ask for in materials. But what if I just want love, respect, and someone who understands? I don't think I do have anyone who understands, but I do have people that love and respect me... Unfortunately none of them are my husband. My husband treats me like property, he ignores me until he needs me, and constantly refuses to see my needs.

I look at my neighbors and I envy them. They're just so perfect. Tony, a loving husband and father, full of respect for his wife, a true joy to his children. Katie, assertive, loving wife and mother who never shows anger. Why can't I have that life? Why am I stuck with torture? I could leave, but I'm scared, I could never do things on my own. I'm too dependent, I'm too much baggage. No one would want a burden like me or my children, so I'm stuck. I love my husband but I can't take the physical and mental pain anymore, actually... I don't know why I love him still. I just want to run away.

All I seem to think about lately is alcohol and food, two evils in my life. I'm addicted and there's no stopping it. My fuel for wanting to consume those evils IS my husband, makes sense too, he's the master of all evil. I've lied to friends just so he doesn't look like a bad husband, some can see through the lies though. Only one knows the truth about my life, only one I've known long enough to trust. It shouldn't have to be that way. I seek love and respect from other (mostly online) because I can't find it in the real world. I'm so easily hurt by rejection, I need acceptance. Pathetic, I'm pretty pathetic. My children have a wonderful stable life, but that's only because they are blind to what I've hidden, my unstable life. How long can I hide it though? How long can I manage to suffer through it?

Funny how today, the sky is starting to match my mood. It was sunny, so beautiful, just like my mood.... Then the stress came, as did a storm.