She lay there, the room spinning.
She had lost control, there was no winning.
In the smoky room, she could not see faces.
Where she's at or where she's been, she couldn't remember places.
Her pants were gone, her panties were ripped.
Her knee was bruised, she must have slipped.
Suddenly, she saw movement behind the smoky clouds.
Standing before her, there were two me who were aroused.
She couldn't move, she couldn't scream.
This can't be real life, this must be a dream.
They took her head and buried it in the couch cushion.
They entered her, taking turns slamming and pushing.
Soon they had finished , their seed spilling out of her.
She still couldn't move, everything was still a blur.
They hurriedly dressed her, seemingly in panic.
They smiled at her, it was almost Satanic.
Suddenly she was in her bed, not a trace of the previous scene.
She placed her hand between her legs, she was moist, what did this mean?
Did she have a very realistic dream, or was she abused?
It didn't matter, she spread her legs waiting to again be used.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
You Are My Oneday!
Eventually I am going to make my dreams come true.
Eventually, I will finally be with you.
I have never felt this way before.
You've opened up a whole new door!
I knew there was something special about you when on Halo we met.
I knew it was you in all those dreams I drempt.
What more can I say or do?
Baby, oneday I WILL be with you.
The way your voice sounds on the mic, so sweet.
Baby, I can't wait til the day that we finally meet.
I want you to hold me in your arms.
Let me love you just the way you are.
There is nothing in this world I would love more than to just see your face.
Please take me away and keep me safe.
My heart hurts everytime you are sad.
It hurts me and it makes me mad.
Funny it was when we met in that lobby, but look at us now.
We're very close and you've changed me some how.
Sometimes I feel like I've known you forever and a day.
I know that's weird, I know it's strange.
You're the sun shinning through the cloudiest of nights.
I'm so in love with you and it feels so right.
Talking to you gives me a natural high.
If I was there, would you want to be by my side?
Eventually, I will finally be with you.
I have never felt this way before.
You've opened up a whole new door!
I knew there was something special about you when on Halo we met.
I knew it was you in all those dreams I drempt.
What more can I say or do?
Baby, oneday I WILL be with you.
The way your voice sounds on the mic, so sweet.
Baby, I can't wait til the day that we finally meet.
I want you to hold me in your arms.
Let me love you just the way you are.
There is nothing in this world I would love more than to just see your face.
Please take me away and keep me safe.
My heart hurts everytime you are sad.
It hurts me and it makes me mad.
Funny it was when we met in that lobby, but look at us now.
We're very close and you've changed me some how.
Sometimes I feel like I've known you forever and a day.
I know that's weird, I know it's strange.
You're the sun shinning through the cloudiest of nights.
I'm so in love with you and it feels so right.
Talking to you gives me a natural high.
If I was there, would you want to be by my side?
Shadow of Hope
Moonlight shinning on the still water.
She lay beside the lack, with searing ain growing hotter.
Blood turned silver in the moonlight.
Now she must sleep, no longer can she fight.
A calm breeze blows on her skin.
It blows like a whisper from with in.
She struggles to lift her eyelids, she feels soon she will expire.
But the wind had other plans, strength from a soul the wind required.
It continued to whisper thoughts into her head.
Long lost memories she soon was fed.
After awhile her eyes began to open, she has been awaken.
The wound on her wrist was nothing more than a scar now, she began to feel shaken.
Eyes filled with wonder, she looks around.
Nothing but falling leaves and the wind were to be found.
The ground was still soaked with blood from her wrist.
So much confusion, her concerns were too much to list.
Why was she by the lake so late at night?
Why did the blood on the ground send her into a fright?
But then she saw a shadow far off in the moonlight.
She saw someone that made her feel alright.
His angry, cold brown eyes were staring.
But suddenly they started to look caring.
Is it possible that's really him?
Logically, that notion seemed very grim.
NOW she began to remember, the memories came flooding back
He turned her away and broke her heart, love for her he said he lacked.
She wanted to die because she couldn't have him.
Her faith in love was already on the brim.
The shadow disappeared, never to be see again.
But at least now she knew, that it never mattered to not have him.
Life goes on, even if you lose.
Even if it is not what you choose.
She lay beside the lack, with searing ain growing hotter.
Blood turned silver in the moonlight.
Now she must sleep, no longer can she fight.
A calm breeze blows on her skin.
It blows like a whisper from with in.
She struggles to lift her eyelids, she feels soon she will expire.
But the wind had other plans, strength from a soul the wind required.
It continued to whisper thoughts into her head.
Long lost memories she soon was fed.
After awhile her eyes began to open, she has been awaken.
The wound on her wrist was nothing more than a scar now, she began to feel shaken.
Eyes filled with wonder, she looks around.
Nothing but falling leaves and the wind were to be found.
The ground was still soaked with blood from her wrist.
So much confusion, her concerns were too much to list.
Why was she by the lake so late at night?
Why did the blood on the ground send her into a fright?
But then she saw a shadow far off in the moonlight.
She saw someone that made her feel alright.
His angry, cold brown eyes were staring.
But suddenly they started to look caring.
Is it possible that's really him?
Logically, that notion seemed very grim.
NOW she began to remember, the memories came flooding back
He turned her away and broke her heart, love for her he said he lacked.
She wanted to die because she couldn't have him.
Her faith in love was already on the brim.
The shadow disappeared, never to be see again.
But at least now she knew, that it never mattered to not have him.
Life goes on, even if you lose.
Even if it is not what you choose.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Two Roads Diverge
It's been a few years since I've been able to write a legit blog. The other day, I focused my energy into a stupid poem that really didn't even make sense, tonight I focus on my pain, my broken heart. Let me tell you why I am suffering...
July 25th 2013, my husband of 5 years left me for a woman I called my best friend. I felt like I failed my kids, all three of them. I tried to get him back, I begged on my knees literally. No matter what I did, he would not take me back, he was happy with a woman that promised him the moon and Jupiter. My mission obviously failed, I had no choice but to move on. My best friend Brian, he was the one that I turned to, I felt that he could help me and take away all my heart break. I brought him into my life fully around December 4th 2013, I moved out of my sisters house in Humble, TX (which is where I moved after the divorce) and moved into my mom's old apt in downtown Houston, TX with Brian. I brought him into my life after a horrible fight we had via web/text, he never really wanted to be here. So, 7 months after that move in, things started to fall apart real bad... My excessive drinking became a problem, as well as my many guy friends I had. Our love began to fall apart, everything actually HAS fallen apart.
Every morning that I am woken up by my 2 year old daughter, Kira, I am just reminded of my Sean, my ex husband. Her hazel eyes, her blond hair, her extremely large head... I end up just crying silently and then she rubs my head saying "fall down, mommy?". My poor child, she has no idea why mommy is crying, mommy's heart is shredded. The main reason I am writing this blog is because I recently just read Brian's text msgs, they were terrible. It's apparent that he no longer loves me, hell, I don't think he ever did love me because of what I did right before I moved him here, it seems like he just tolerated me... Just like Sean. His msgs to various people consisted of "I hate this bitch!", "If it wasn't for the kids and lack of money, I'd have been long gone.", etc.... There is no room for love, understanding or tolerance any more in this relationship. I have tried communicating with him verbally and even in my journal that I keep visible for him to see but he refuses to have a cordial discussion with me about my problems, all he does is yell at me and call me names, also point out all the issues I have going on... I am... A worthless woman. I didn't deserve Sean and I don't deserve Brian, I don't deserve anyone.
Lately, I have dreams that consist of nothing more than painful memories and wishes. My mind and heart are living in the past but fighting for the future, how can they both make it if no one is willing to love me and suffer with me? I AM broken and now I'm finally beginning to see that NO ONE can help or fix me. I am alone, I have always been alone since I was little. I didn't have my mom around as often because she was off partying or selling drugs, my dad was hundreds of miles away and he could care less about his 'first' set of kids. My sister raised me and I raised my brother, that's all it was, there never was love or understanding for us... Therefore, if there was never a loving set of parents for us, how was/am I supposed to know what it means to be a family? I had no example and now MY love life is a failure. I always thought I was better than my parents because I was married for 5 years with 3 kids and with the best husband I could ever ask for... But, I didn't realize how wrong I was, I was never better than my parents, my husband always went off and cheated. Child #1, he cheated on me with many highschool friends of ours, child #2 he cheated on me with the upstairs neighbor who was a gymnast, child #3 he cheated on me with this girl named Alena Miller that is now his wife. I always forgave him because I loved him, but I should have known, I should have known what was going to happen. I never really had a happy marriage, but I pretended because it was too devastating to see the truth. I made a little happy life for myself in denial, it was happy and beautiful, no matter what anyone else said.
Apparently, I am destined to be alone, no one loves me as I ever love them. I love them all unconditionally, while they love me conditionally. 1st husband stopped loving me because I didn't clean all the time, boyfriend doesn't love me anymore because I drink and have friends. The only thing I know is that my ex husband had a reason to leave me because I didn't clean as often... But my boyfriend/bestfriend, he hates me because I nag about cleaning, but doesn't he see why? I have finally became the woman my ex husband needed, I am addicted to a clean home and hearty meals, I am addicted to us doing things together, I am addicted to be perfect and it's all because I lost my husband. I became everything he ever wanted even though he is gone, my ex will never take me back, but here I am, being the perfect woman I KNOW he likes. However, my boyfriend hates that. I am just a nagger to him, all I do is complain, bitch, and well... Bitch more. I don't know who I should be anymore, should I be the woman my ex wanted, which was a very productive clean woman or should I be what my boyfriend wants, which is a very dirty, lazy woman who does not complain? I am confused... Maybe I should let the house fill with sick and see what he does with that? I'm not sure, but I am sure he will leave me if I continue being a bitchy, clean woman who drinks because she is severely depressed.
July 25th 2013, my husband of 5 years left me for a woman I called my best friend. I felt like I failed my kids, all three of them. I tried to get him back, I begged on my knees literally. No matter what I did, he would not take me back, he was happy with a woman that promised him the moon and Jupiter. My mission obviously failed, I had no choice but to move on. My best friend Brian, he was the one that I turned to, I felt that he could help me and take away all my heart break. I brought him into my life fully around December 4th 2013, I moved out of my sisters house in Humble, TX (which is where I moved after the divorce) and moved into my mom's old apt in downtown Houston, TX with Brian. I brought him into my life after a horrible fight we had via web/text, he never really wanted to be here. So, 7 months after that move in, things started to fall apart real bad... My excessive drinking became a problem, as well as my many guy friends I had. Our love began to fall apart, everything actually HAS fallen apart.
Every morning that I am woken up by my 2 year old daughter, Kira, I am just reminded of my Sean, my ex husband. Her hazel eyes, her blond hair, her extremely large head... I end up just crying silently and then she rubs my head saying "fall down, mommy?". My poor child, she has no idea why mommy is crying, mommy's heart is shredded. The main reason I am writing this blog is because I recently just read Brian's text msgs, they were terrible. It's apparent that he no longer loves me, hell, I don't think he ever did love me because of what I did right before I moved him here, it seems like he just tolerated me... Just like Sean. His msgs to various people consisted of "I hate this bitch!", "If it wasn't for the kids and lack of money, I'd have been long gone.", etc.... There is no room for love, understanding or tolerance any more in this relationship. I have tried communicating with him verbally and even in my journal that I keep visible for him to see but he refuses to have a cordial discussion with me about my problems, all he does is yell at me and call me names, also point out all the issues I have going on... I am... A worthless woman. I didn't deserve Sean and I don't deserve Brian, I don't deserve anyone.
Lately, I have dreams that consist of nothing more than painful memories and wishes. My mind and heart are living in the past but fighting for the future, how can they both make it if no one is willing to love me and suffer with me? I AM broken and now I'm finally beginning to see that NO ONE can help or fix me. I am alone, I have always been alone since I was little. I didn't have my mom around as often because she was off partying or selling drugs, my dad was hundreds of miles away and he could care less about his 'first' set of kids. My sister raised me and I raised my brother, that's all it was, there never was love or understanding for us... Therefore, if there was never a loving set of parents for us, how was/am I supposed to know what it means to be a family? I had no example and now MY love life is a failure. I always thought I was better than my parents because I was married for 5 years with 3 kids and with the best husband I could ever ask for... But, I didn't realize how wrong I was, I was never better than my parents, my husband always went off and cheated. Child #1, he cheated on me with many highschool friends of ours, child #2 he cheated on me with the upstairs neighbor who was a gymnast, child #3 he cheated on me with this girl named Alena Miller that is now his wife. I always forgave him because I loved him, but I should have known, I should have known what was going to happen. I never really had a happy marriage, but I pretended because it was too devastating to see the truth. I made a little happy life for myself in denial, it was happy and beautiful, no matter what anyone else said.
Apparently, I am destined to be alone, no one loves me as I ever love them. I love them all unconditionally, while they love me conditionally. 1st husband stopped loving me because I didn't clean all the time, boyfriend doesn't love me anymore because I drink and have friends. The only thing I know is that my ex husband had a reason to leave me because I didn't clean as often... But my boyfriend/bestfriend, he hates me because I nag about cleaning, but doesn't he see why? I have finally became the woman my ex husband needed, I am addicted to a clean home and hearty meals, I am addicted to us doing things together, I am addicted to be perfect and it's all because I lost my husband. I became everything he ever wanted even though he is gone, my ex will never take me back, but here I am, being the perfect woman I KNOW he likes. However, my boyfriend hates that. I am just a nagger to him, all I do is complain, bitch, and well... Bitch more. I don't know who I should be anymore, should I be the woman my ex wanted, which was a very productive clean woman or should I be what my boyfriend wants, which is a very dirty, lazy woman who does not complain? I am confused... Maybe I should let the house fill with sick and see what he does with that? I'm not sure, but I am sure he will leave me if I continue being a bitchy, clean woman who drinks because she is severely depressed.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Freedom At Last
She sits at the computer, her hands idle on the keyboard
Her stare is blank, glass of wine gathers droplets of condensation
Many thoughts flood her mind, just waiting to soar
She has writers block, her idle hands are indication
A tear begins to fall from her eye and down her cheek
She remembers a painful memory
As if a flood gate had opened and is allowing her mind to speak
She exposes the thought tenderly
A love so old, yet so young
A long lost heart, lost trust
But there was nothing left, the song was sung
There's nothing but to move on, she must
Suddenly, she looks at her computer
Her story has been written
Her story has been written, thanks to an intruder
He intruded on her heart and pretended to be smitten
Alas, she can now sleep
The painful memory has gone
Now a new love, she can keep
Now loving someone else won't feel wrong.
Her stare is blank, glass of wine gathers droplets of condensation
Many thoughts flood her mind, just waiting to soar
She has writers block, her idle hands are indication
A tear begins to fall from her eye and down her cheek
She remembers a painful memory
As if a flood gate had opened and is allowing her mind to speak
She exposes the thought tenderly
A love so old, yet so young
A long lost heart, lost trust
But there was nothing left, the song was sung
There's nothing but to move on, she must
Suddenly, she looks at her computer
Her story has been written
Her story has been written, thanks to an intruder
He intruded on her heart and pretended to be smitten
Alas, she can now sleep
The painful memory has gone
Now a new love, she can keep
Now loving someone else won't feel wrong.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Shitty poem
She sits on her bed, eyes full of tears
She ponders all her mistakes from past years
Every mistake has landed her here
She sits on her bed, heart full of fear
All she wanted was love and be loved
All she wanted was to never be shoved
All she wanted was a kind hearted man
Someone to take her hand
She sits on her bed, a knife lay beside
She strokes the blade, she begins to cry
It should never have to come to this
But she knows she wont be missed
No one liked her, no one cared
No one truly loved her, they didn't dare
She loved too much
Alas, she kept most her feelings hushed
She picks up the knife
She's ready to end her life
She made so many mistakes
She has decided her fate
Just as she slices into her wrist .........................
.......................... She bleeds to death.
THE END!
She ponders all her mistakes from past years
Every mistake has landed her here
She sits on her bed, heart full of fear
All she wanted was love and be loved
All she wanted was to never be shoved
All she wanted was a kind hearted man
Someone to take her hand
She sits on her bed, a knife lay beside
She strokes the blade, she begins to cry
It should never have to come to this
But she knows she wont be missed
No one liked her, no one cared
No one truly loved her, they didn't dare
She loved too much
Alas, she kept most her feelings hushed
She picks up the knife
She's ready to end her life
She made so many mistakes
She has decided her fate
Just as she slices into her wrist .........................
.......................... She bleeds to death.
THE END!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Her Last Breath
As I watch her silhouette begin to die
The wind sends a chill through my spine
The day has turned cold, no longer could I see the sun
Crystals begin to form on the discarded blood
My mind kept spinning, I have no idea where I'm at
Where's the road, where are my tracks?
I'm stuck here to watch her die
She's fading fast, she has little time
She looks at me with pleading eyes
The moon makes her tear stained cheeks shine
Suddenly, somehow, I began to pity her life
But at least it isn't me who has to die
The snow looks so white with her bright red blood spread all around
The woods are so quiet, not even the trees make a sound
She should have never done what she did
She should have known I'd find the secret she hid
She lifts her hand in a pitiful, pleading way
She begins to lift her face
"Why?" She asks with her very last breath
Her hand falls to her side, now the air is filled with death
Suddenly, the weight is lifted off of me
I no longer have to feel guilty
The snow begins to fall on my face
I welcome it with a warm embrace
Freedom never felt so good
But I always know it would come, I knew it would
Still, her silhouette lingers in my mind
I'm sure it will disappear within time
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